STRUGGLING WITH MARRIAGE

GENESIS 2:19-25

STRUGGLING WITH MARRIAGE

It began with a little itch on his right leg. No big deal. A little scratch and the itch went away. Several days later the itch returned and scratching only made it worse. He visited the doctor and the itch vanished after applying the prescribed medication. Before long, Mun Ki developed strange sensations in both legs. He cooked up an old home remedy and his legs felt much better.

A week later a sore irritated the big toe on his right foot. It grew and spread to the toes on both feet. He became pale and shivered in the warm weather. By now he knew the cause of his misery. He tried all sorts of treatment and medicines, but nothing slowed down the disease. Finally, Mun Ki was forced to admit there was no cure for his leprosy. Three months after the first symptoms appeared, Mun Ki sat with his wife and four children eating the evening meal. When the family finished eating his wife, Nyuk Tsin, sent the children away. She knelt before her husband and said, “I shall be your kokua.”

This story is from a novel with its setting Hawaii of 1870. People diagnosed with leprosy were immediately banished to a leper colony on the island of Molokai . The only other provision the government made was that a healthy individual, who was fully aware of the possible results of their actions, could volunteer to accompany the victim to the leper colony. These people were called kokuas, which meant the “helpers.” They lived with and nursed the leper until one of them died. Then if the kokua had not contracted the disease, they could return to society. If you want your marriage to be what God has in mind for you, this is the type of commitment you must have for whatever is your mate’s best interest.

This text teaches us that marriage is the creation of God. He made it to be beautiful, not misery. If we commit ourselves to do it God’s way, it will be beautiful. If not, it will be misery. I call on all believers today to commit to make their marriage the very best that God wants for you. Let’s see what we need to do.

I. MARRIAGE IS A LIFELONG COMMITMENT.

(Have all those who have been married more than 20 years to stand.)

Even though “become one flesh” describes the physical union of a couple it also signifies that decision in life to become one person with someone else. God intends for your life to go from me to us and from my to ours forever. In God’s view of marriage this commitment is for as long as we live. This total commitment is the willingness to share everything with our mate-our time, or possessions and all of ourselves. Marriage mates are to blend themselves together with all their different weaknesses and strengths to make one dynamic unit.

The world’s ideas constantly challenge this view of marriage with ideas like: “When your needs are no longer met or when you are unhappy in your marriage, just get a divorce.” This is totally opposed to God’s thoughts. Steve Stevens portrays the biblical view of marriage: “Marriage commitments are serious. Two people pledge their integrity to each other. They promise to enjoy the good times and work through the bad. They vow that they will allow nothing to tear apart their union. The future may be unknown, but their honor, determination and hard work will carry them through.” God desires more than that a couple stay together. He desires that they stay together in a relationship that is lovely. How?

II. HOW DO WE MAKE IT LAST FOR OUR WHOLE LIVES?

A. You Must Come to Christ and Let Him Meet Your Deepest Needs. Too many times a mate is asking too much from another human. They ask them to meet the deepest needs of security and significance that can only come from God. Lawrence Crabb was right, “Until I am aware that my needs are already met in Christ, I will be motivated by emptiness to meet my needs. When by simple faith I accept Christ’s shed blood as full payment for my sins, I am brought into a relationship with an infinite Being of love and purpose who fully satisfies my deepest needs for security and significance. Therefore I am freed from self-centered preoccupation with my own needs; they are met. It is now possible for me to give to others out of my fullness rather than needing to receive from others because of my emptiness. For the first time I have the option of living selflessly.”

In my years of marital counseling there have been many problems talked about, but the overwhelming majority of all these can be traced back to one main problem of the marriage-one or both of the mates are selfish. The effect of selfishness on marriage is like the effect of kryptonite to Super Man! The Bible teaches us to have a servant’s heart. The most important place for you to have it is at HOME! You can’t exhibit this type of lifestyle until you have Christ to help you. Do not go to further steps until you have come to Christ for salvation.

B. You Must Be Trustworthy. Trust is the bedrock of marriage. There are three components to building trust: honesty, dependability and faithfulness. You must be honest about all things with your mate. If you lie in one area of life, you might lie in other areas. Your mate needs to know that you will be there for them when they really need you. Faithfulness means that your marriage relationship takes precedence over all of your other relationships: parents, relatives, co-workers and friends. We must allow no one to compete with the special place of affection that is reserved for our mate.

You may have to help your mate overcome things in their past that makes it hard for them to trust: death of a parent or siblings, divorce of parents, physical or sexual abuse, adultery of a parent, neglect, long-term conflict with parents, a lack of expressed love of parents, severe accidents or hospitalizations.

Be aware of four trust busters: physical or emotional abandonment; Emotional or physical or sexual or verbal abuse; alcohol or drug or sexual addictions and emotional or physical adultery. Marital trust is built over time, but where honesty, dependability and faithfulness are strong, trust will thrive.

C. Sexual Intimacy Is Important. God gave this gift to married couples in for many reasons. He meant it to enhance the unity of the couple. This is seen in the use of “one flesh.” This is to go beyond the physical unity to an emotional and spiritual unity. It is a way of communicating the couple’s love for each other. It is meant for the sheer pleasure of both mates. It is also meant for reproduction. Friends, if you neglect this area of your marriage then you are inviting Satan to bring someone into the life of your mate who will be willing to fulfill it!

D. Communicate Your Desires and Needs to One Another QUICKLY! If there is something that is bugging you, communicate it. And for the sake of your marriage communicate it quickly. I have talked to people about problems in their marriage and the problems go back 15 or 20 years! By then the problems have destroyed any love that they had for each other. Speak up about it-quickly.

E. Pray Daily for Your Mate. If you make this a daily discipline, then it will keep your heart soft toward them. It will cause you to be repentant for whatever you might have done wrong against them. It will help you to forgive them for whatever they have done to you. It will allow the Lord time in your life to show you His will for you and your marriage.

F. Keep Your Mate’s Love Bank Full. Imagine that you have an account in your mate’s love bank. Pleasurable interactions between the two of you are considered deposits. Painful or unpleasant interactions are withdrawals. Your goal should be for this account to NEVER be overdrawn! Gary Chapman in his book, Five Love Languages, describes the key ways we express love: physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts and quality time. Every day you should pay close attention to shower love on your mate in these ways.

CONCLUSION

Which of the following words describe your marriage relationship? Are you roommates, checkmates, cellmates, stalemates or helpmates? If you desire God’s best, then you should desire the last one. In order for you to achieve it BOTH of the marriage partners will have to fight for it. Today I’m asking that our couples commit to the 10 Commandments for Couples of Promise from an excellent book written by Kevin Leman, Becoming a Couple of Promise:

·We commit ourselves to make love a daily choice, even when life looks easier somewhere else.

·We commit ourselves to treasure each others as gifts from God.

·We commit ourselves to be quick to forgive and not to hold grudges.

·We commit ourselves to make time for each other.

·We commit ourselves to talk daily about our thoughts and feelings.

·We commit to show respect for each other publicly and privately, avoiding putdowns, selfish demands and belittling words.

·We commit ourselves to try to get behind each other’s eyes, to understand the other’s specific needs.

·We commit ourselves to do all we can to make sure our marriage has a positive impact on those around us.

·We commit ourselves to pray for each other and support each other’s spiritual growth.

·We commit ourselves to honor God and each other through our thoughts, words and actions.

Ridgecrest Baptist Church | 7469 Old Canton Rd. | Madison, MS 39110 phone: 601.853.1090 fax: 601.853.1092